Content Warning: Sensitive topics such as depressive thoughts will be touched below.
(The list of content warnings will be updated as long as there are more entries)
18Upt: Deleted it. I want to rewatch Venom so I can see the new movie. Mob psycho 100 season 3 reveal in 4 days.
Ok, I'm a little bit better, even tho I had a breakdown in front of my family but yeah! A stray dog bit me this wednesday and I had to get vaccinated with the rabies vaccine, yesterday I had the 2nd dose of 5, so that's a thing. I'm trying to draw, maybe be a little more useful in my own life, Mob psycho 100 season 3 could be confirmed at any moment lol I hope. I want to redign this page so I can make it more comfortable to read in here... I haven't shared dreams in a long time, since I haven't put effort on remembering them, but today's dream was really weird. In summary, I went to a pool with my neighboor and some other people, that was it, some other crazy thing happened but I hope you can tell I don't really want to remember, writing english since I hear "Are you scared?" by Ryan Bergara and Shane Madej.
Here an image of a hen and goose that my mom bought me the other day:
CW: Vent, Possibly suicidal thoughts
Nothing really makes me happy anymore, I can't feel joy, I haven't for about 4 months now, I feel lifeless. I don't wanna keep on going, I've been trying to have fun but I don't think I can really fill up this feeling of nothingness. At least my mom makes me happy, but what if she doesn't like this me, so different and so no perfect. I haven't finish deltarune chapter two, at least, I finished squid game with my parents. I wanna look like this:
I finally finished my homework!! It was too much for my body now everything hurts, I keep on dancing every 2 days so I'm weak lol. I wanna keep on coding here but at least for these days I don't think I can do very much T_T At least I'm done with this trimester.
Woa, it's been a really long time since I came here and tried to do some coding, I feel tired just looking at this unfinished pages, but at least I was having fun, I'm having fun right now too, but I'm just so tired lol I want to sleep, tomorrow I have school. I have a lot of homework to do and haven't done yet aah, and my class is going to make a dance show soon this september because 18 de septiembre and I wanna dance because I like to, but my body isn't very likely to move this amount of time, now everything hurts. Again, I have a lot of ideas, I just don't have the time nor motivation to do them and this year I have to study for college entrance and uf that's scary as fuck. I was trying to decide between a coding thing or digital animation, I was thinking of literature too but that just reminds me of junjou romantica for some reason?? that's funny, I'm just admiting junjou romantica was my first "yaoi" p.s. I hate that word. Also, some time ago I just found out weeb it's a bad word? I had no idea since in my country the "otaku" culture is slightly different from english native countries so I was really surprised lol, even tho, I don't really use those words for myself, just think it's a waste of time or something, I'm not into deep stuff so you can call me anything I guess.
Well, just came here to say I'm not dead, I'm just in a little hiatus, in my instagram account i said that so i guess I'm gonna say it here too, because I love my mutuals here (they're so cool, follow them :3) and this neocities account and page; that's everything.
I've been feeling really bad this last month, way too much compared with any other month, today's good thing was this Cookie Run uptade, it's not like I'm playing because I'm sad, it just happened to be an uptade right now. The new cookie is way too cute, I already have her, she has glasses, I think glasses are cute, her design makes me happy. I've been in my room the whole day, with my phone, this made me smile a little, not like I don't smile, but she's is really something, I love her, just look at her face. And I saw she has some kind if relationship with Herb, I like him too, he's cute, but I still don't have the hearts with any of them so I can see what they think of eachother.
Yesterday I went to a friend's house, I've never been in his house before, we watched Loki with some other friends. I took the bus with my friend, it wasn't scary at all. My mom and sister talked to me this morning when I was so afraid to go out and cried to them out of fear, it's kind of sad, I don't want to be like this, that fear almost didn't let me see my own friends. I feel sick right now, just a little, I was afraid too because my parents weren't there to go for me at night, they called a friend to pick me up because my mom was afraid of me going on the bus in the darkness, being out it's scary, I forget that almost all the time.
Ahm, well, I've been looking around the pages and everthing looks so awful, I hate everything aaaa, I'll try to change everything I can because is too much, it just looks so bad mgmhggg. I played an awfull lot today, I killed the enderdragon (my friends were going to kill her but I just had the luck the give the last punch :'D) and my friend just went to sleep, we were playing roblox, it was really fun. I haven't started Shaoran's present, I hope I can plan it fast this day and finish it before his bday ends, I always do this ;; I'm not good with dates (but I remembered this one the whole week) dates??? I'm too lazy to look it up TT english it's weird.
PD: I FORGOT TO SAY, I FUCKING HATE THE INDEX NOW, WITH ALL MY HEART, that's it.
Woah... it's been a while, I've been feeling like shit this last month it's insane, but I hope I get better soon, I'm trying new things, I guess, taking breaks, but this one was kinda long, way too long, my creativity has been dying slowly, I want to change the index a little so it looks more like the home page, I love pink. I got a new TV last week, and I can finally use it, my desk it's still a mess because i had it there until we could put it on the wall, so yeah, now I'm on my bed, and I'm gonna try to plan the page I was doing before I left, because it's a whole mess ^^; Yesterday I went to a friend's house, they invited me again this next wednesday, I'm happy, but really scared, I don't know how to call this since I haven't went to a doctor to get a description or something, at least my mom tried to calm me down on the car, last time I cied out of fear so it makes sense she helped before it happended lol but aside that, oh... I need to do the sketchbook page too, I don't really like how the gallery looks... but I'm too lazy to change it TT
My body is sick lol It's only been 3 days but it feels like forever, I wish I can get some motivation at the end of this week. I put my body trough a lot of stress yesterday so yeah, now I´m sick or something like that, walking is really hard and moving my arms too, maybe it's something psychological as well, it's not that it's EXTREMELY painful, but it's enough pain to me to feel like I want to sleep all day. My mom gave me pills, blue, cute pills, I have to take them rn so Imma do that. I'm watching Kimetsu no yaiba with her in spanish and WAAA IT'S LIKE A DREAM, URAZ HUERTA VOICING INOSUKE??? I'm not a fan of Uraz Huerta himself because I don't follow his work really but he voiced Shaoran in the 90's how am I not gonna be excited to see him in a big anime like KNY in 2021, it makes me so happy, just thinking about it makes me smile. Oh, yesterday happend Danganronpa Decadence? That was really something, Twogami is my favorite Danganronpa chara so I wanted to make fanart of them in a swimsuit YA QUE NO LE MOSTRARON, que desilusión, I really want some new content of them, and that's all really, I don't wanna go to school this week, its Wednesday but I'm so tired already
I'm at home now, I went to the capital to see my family, it was nice, but it's weird leaving the house for so many days (We were going for just a day, so I didn't have enough clothes). I'm really sensitive too this days, this months I've been feeling like I'm not enough for everyone, even myself.... Uhm, it's weird, I'm not loved am I? I don't really get why people say I'm special, a genius, that they love so much when there are days when I just want to cry. I cried in someonelses house, it was too much for me, this time I knew why I felt like that uh, some years ago my dad left and I cried to him to not leave, I think I even grabbed his clothes and crawled so he wouldn’t leave me, it was traumatazing indeed but I wouldn't thought that it affected me so much, I just refuse something to him and he was hurt, when I hurt they get angry, so it brought back some memories and I cried to sleep lol. But I want to be loved, I don't know if I can love properly myself, I hope so, I want people to feel that I love them, but sometimes I'm afraid I don't love them enough.
If I'm useful them I can be loved, but when I'm not, when the simplest thing it's hard to me I get called useless, even in my face, get called useless by my own sister; she must be right tho, she knows me since I was born, she must have reasons to make me feel bad about myself, so I can't blame her on hating that side of me.
My mom said people were going to be mad at me, all the time when I grew up, that I had to be strong, that I couldn't cry, but this time I could do so, I cried to her meanwhile my sister laughed a little, at least she said that sometimes my dad was going to be like that, she has cried because of him, everyone in this house I believe.
(7:36PM) Saw some Markiplier vids, now I'm better:3
Last night I had a dream where I copied someone's code for my page (I looked at a really cool page just before going to sleep), and I felt so bad because I was too lazy to code myself, but at the same time I was like... why am I doing this? I don't need it. It was as interesting to put it on the dream log so here
I did take my computer with me and tried to re-do the log/blog page because I didn't like the other one. There's still a lot of things I want to do but my brain isn't allowing me to do anything, I want to cry all day, it's probably hormones but I hate feeling like this, like all and nothing at the same time, I can't even draw and thats terrifying, I want it to stop completely. I changed the bgm in this html from yume nikki to omori and I prefer this one, omori didn't affect me as much as I tought it would but there's still fear within my body for just hearing some of the soundtrack or remembering one scene in particular (The only scene that made me cry) and I personally think that's kind of cool, I like remembering.
I also noticed that I'm probably going to do a back-up of the page, I should have done it before but I just remembered my constant fear of the internet (or just neocities idk) dissappearing or me myself erasing something by accident ^^; Also I would like to move to my own web server (or my dad's, he offered me the idea when I showed the page to him and my mom... Yes, I was so happy that I actually showed them the page), end it with .cl OMG that would be cool as fuck, viva el mejor país de chile.
I've been thinking about how much I hate this dude......
Yesterday it wasn't as bad as I tought, school was even kind of fun fun. I saw 3 of my friends, one hugged me when we said goodbye. It's been so long since someone who isn't family hugged me... Today my dad hugged me too, and I remembered today's dream, he was forcing me to do something in the dream I don't feel comfortable enough to even say what happened in the dream, was more of a nightmare itself. Tonight me and my family are going to another place to pass the weekend, I would love to bring my computer but the internet is almost non-existent there.
Decided I would do this part in english too, I'm not so sure if I'm ready to share this things with the people I know. I tried to draw, happy pride! I'm still burried into the closet but I guess the internet it's my safe space. Tomorrow I'm going to school... I'm terrified, not gonna lie there, I hope my body won't react to this, I hate when I get this anxious and I get tired and feel like vomiting, it gets cold and shaky, so yeah, not a cool reaction. I don't wanna skip class neither, I'm going because a friend told me to so we could see eachother... I don't wanna be bad, but I feel better knowing it will just be 6 hours and not 8 like they used to be.
Hace una semana creo que empecé esto de la página, la razón era poner todo lo que pudiese poner, me gusta recolectar información de muchas partes y guardarmelas y eso es divertido, aunque todavía no llego a eso me gustaría poder tenerlo. Últimamente no me he estado sintiendo bien con mis dibujos, no es que no me gusten, de hecho me gustan más que antes pero ver que los números bajan me agota, esto me ha distraido bastante, es divertido y me hace olvidar eso. Me digo que no importan, siempre hay gente que me apoya, aunque sean menos de 100, pero no parece ser suficiente.
CW: Incest mention
Estaba en este tipo de castillo extraño, no recuerdo si llegué a él al inicio del sueño o al final, el tiempo corría de una forma muy rara. Estabamos en guerra con otro castillo que se encontraba a solo unos metros, quizá 1 kilometro de distancia y yo estaba a cargo de una sección dde ataque especifica, eran como cañones de un barco, pero eran complicados de usar, teníamos que agarrarnos de unas paredes y tirar de unos barriles para lanzar las municiones, un trabajo duro, solo era un poco complicado para mí.
Ya estaba llegando la hora de que empezara nuestro ataque, alguien más lo estaba organizando, no recuerdo quien, no recuerdo haber visto su cara tampoco, solo escuchaba su voz o, más bien, sentía sus ordenes. No es que fuese intimidante en si, pero a mí me causaba un poco de miedo fallar en la tarea.
Casi todos estaban listos, pero no había nadie en mi lado para ayudarme, no podría disparar todo eso sin ayuda, el cast de Malcom in the Middle no llegaba, solo los hermanos, ellos tenían que ayudarme. Comencé a correr por los anchos pasillos del castillo, hasta que vi una mesa en uno de los balcones internos, estaban todos ahi, parecía que comían algo. Les pedí que me ayudaran, parece y ellos dijeron que sí, no se movieron o no los vi más, pero sabía que se me había alivianado la carga; el ataque estaba por comenzar. En el primer piso del castillo había un piano de cola que tocaba un waltz, en cuanto terminase el ataque empezaría y yo debía de dar las ordenes de disparar. Me distraje un poco con la música y en eso veo de reojo al hermano menor estirandose por el balcón hacia abajo para disparar uno de los cañones, corro para que no alcance a detonarlo pero no llego ni siquiera a tocarlo cuando la bala ya había salido. Corro hacia la ventana para ver la bala llegar al otro castillo. Por suerte la bala cae dentro de una de las puertas del castillo, ¿Parecía que no iba a detonar si giraba de esa forma tan natural hacia los adentros de castillo enemigo? Que suerte... El watz no se había interrumpido.
Me devuelvo a donde está Dewey, ¿Se estaba burlando de mí? Tenía una sonrisa en su rostro; mis manos alcanzaron su cuello y lo apreté con fuerza, él no se quejaba, por más fuerza que hiciera no se inmutaba para nada, como si yo no tuviese impacto. "¿Por qué te ries de mí? ¿Acaso no sabes lo que me pasaría si llegase a allar en la única tarea que me dejaron?" No había pasado nada, no supe si el ataque continuó.
Estaba caminando por los pasillos con Reese y quizás Malcom, pero éste estaba callado, no tenía presencia. Reese me hablaba de alguien, de una hermana suya, era una conversación muy rara que me incomodaba. Me decía cómo su hermana parece que sentía cosas por él, algo que también le incomodaba, su hermana era una niñita, pero en 5 segundos pasaron al menos 7 años y la niña que estaba viendo ya era una adolescente, era corpulenta y tenía una cara bonita. Comencé a dibujarla.
Mis manos se movían de forma tan natural, podía sentir cada trazo que hacía, la chica era linda, alta, con un rubio oscuro y una mirada penetrante e intimidante, también dibujé a alguien más, llevaba una jardinera con terminación de falda, tenía un bolsillo de su lado derecho y tenía una sonrisa muy alegre, linda, me había equivocado un poco al dibujarle la falda, pero lo arreglé muy bien; se sentía tan real.
I was at home or something that should have been, I was supposed to get used to that place, it was my new home and I would be there for a long time, although I didn’t really understand the difference with my current situation. I had been adopted by a married couple, a Chilean woman and a Chinese man, from now on I too was Chinese? No, although I didn’t realize it didn’t work that way, maybe I’d ask my dad later and learn a little Chinese to surprise him.
At school I kept thinking the same thing, it didn’t want to leave my head the idea that now I too had to change to fit in this new family that they were giving me, at least the school was still the same... I sat in my place by the wall and he sat behind me or was it front? I honestly don’t remember, but one was in front of the other. He seems to caress my head, Are we dating or something? He treats me so sweetly, it seems a lie the fact that he hates me in real life. I’m not here to condone the situation, but I let it be for the rest of the dream, it’s not like someone got hurt if I was loved for a few minutes.
Performances begin in our classroom, musical and dance number, I did not expect it, but I was entertained, although it seems that I didn't generate any sound, didn't speak or show what I was feeling at the time. When the first number ends, the second one enters, a show where students are dressed as yellow caterpillars and slide down on the floor. The costumes look simple and all move clumsily, others roll without even being able to control themselves. It doesn’t make me laugh like other students, rather I feel pity, they shouldn’t be laughing, they were trying very hard. One of my caterpillar-clad classmates starts screaming complaints, that everything was wrong, that he shouldn’t be in a place like this, that it was stupid; I felt bad for everyone else present, his words went through and gave a little grief to others. I looked at him, who was next to me, the teacher was giving him permission to do something: punish those who should be punished. I don’t know why I wasn’t surprised, but I saw him get up with a notebook and hit those on the head who, I assumed, he supposed should be punished, some hit harder than others. When he was done the teacher looked at me, with the same eyes, and I got up, I just stretched the sleeve of my vest and hit them all with all my strength, although unconsciously my body became weak with some people whom I was afraid of. I returned to my sit and he congratulated me, I felt loved.
Era mi cumpleaños y yo había ido a este campo, era bastante grande y había una casa abandonada al medio si recuerdo bien, todos sabían que era peligroso estar ahí, diferentes tipos de criaturas podían aparecerse y hacerte daño si no tenias cuidado. Ya era tarde, no recuerdo porque había decidido ir ahí en primer lugar, pero me estaba arrepintiendo ya. De pronto a lo lejos veo una cabra blanca con manchas oscuras, comencé a asustarme cuando comenzó a correr hacia mí. Empecé a correr, la entrada estaba lejos pero si me apuraba lo suficiente podría salir a salvo. Me giré por unos pocos segundos para ver que tan cerca estaba... su cuerpo había cambiado a ser totalmente negro y estaba demasiado cerca, ya me comenzaba a asustar. Mis piernas no lo lograrían. De pronto alguien más se escucha corriendo, apenas puedo procesar algo cuando siento que alguien o más bien algo me levanta en el aire y corre conmigo en sus brazos. No tiene rostro, mide más o menos 3 metros y su cuerpo está lleno de pelo, como de cabra también, de hecho parecía ser parte de esa especie, pero no me estaba haciendo daño, de hecho me estaba llevando a la salida del lugar. Me aferré para no caerme. No me di ni cuenta cuando llegamos a una pequeña casa, me dejó fuera y se agachó para hablarme.
"Estuviste muy cerca de correr peligro ahí dentro" Su voz tampoco parecía humana, de hecho, no es como que tuviese una boca para hablar, " Si vas a volver a ese lugar, debes saber. Para escapar de las deidades tienes que mirarlas por varios segundos, entonces tu cuerpo se acoplará a sus características y te volverás mucho más rápidas que ellas."
"¿Y tú no eres una de ellas?" Pregunté, mis oídos aun zumbaban un poco.
"Hay algunas como yo que hemos bajado solo para observar a las otras, no está dentro de nuestros objetivos cazar humanos, " Tampoco tenía cara de que fuera así, era confiable, tranquilizador si podía decir. Hizo un pequeño gesto y se fue.
Dentro de la casa era muy raro, de hecho era bastante deforme para ser una casa normal, el primer piso era como un pasillo y apenas tenía un baño, en el segundo piso estaba mi pieza y otro baño, estos si tenían un tamaño normal. Cuando entré varios tipos de mi edad me ofrecieron algo, no comprendí en si las palabras que me decían, pero sabía que era sexo, o lo supe después de haber aceptado a un tipo, pero antes de siquiera irme con él me metí al baño y ahí fue donde me di cuenta. Me encerré hasta que encontré que seria seguro salir.
Con la familia volvimos al campo maldito, fuimos varios y estábamos repartidos por todas partes, todos escucharon diferentes tipos de criaturas, pero ninguna se presentó como la deidad. Yo estaba muy atento, había escuchado con atención las indicaciones de la deidad que me rescató, pero no recordaba por cuantos segundos debía de mirar a la criatura para ser como ella. Estaba nervioso, miré a todas partes cuando varias criaturas empezaron a manifestarse... Escuché el sonido de la cabra; todos empezaron a correr. Creía que habiendo más personas me sentiría más seguro, pero nuevamente me encontraba solo y una de las deidades estaba justo detrás mía.
Me giré a verle y ahí estaba con su pelo café, algo esponjoso, duré por varios segundos antes de volver mi mirada al frente y parece había funcionado, podía sentir como iba cada vez más rápido. Volví a girarme y vi otra cosa, la cabeza de la cabra estaba desprendida de su cuerpo y solo un aura del color de su pelo las conectaba, aunque ya no era negra, su rostro había cambiado a algo horrible era más grande que antes. Parece que no la vi por el tiempo suficiente porque a los pocos segundos la misma deidad de antes me estaba salvando nuevamente. Sentí alivio pero a la vez un poco de tristeza, no había sido capaz de salvarme solo, de nuevo.
Corrió por varios minutos hasta que llegamos a una playa, me dejó ahí y sin decirme nada se fue. En poco tiempo volvería arriba. Ahí caminé un poco, me encontré con algunos familiares que habían podido escapar y me volví a mi casa.
De vuelta en mi casa seguía la fiesta en el primer piso, aunque esta vez no subí tan rápido como el día anterior. Me quedé unos poco minutos para saber que era lo que estaban haciendo, no era nada muy entretenido tampoco. Un joven de mi edad se me acercó y empezamos a hablar, era muy tranquilo y me había gustado mucho, hablamos por algunos minutos y me dijo algo que no recuerdo muy bien, seguramente algo parecido a que quería cortarme el pelo, yo no encontré razón para negarme, así que tomé su mano y subimos al segundo piso.
I'm being punished, did I do something bad? As I recall, no. The people around me seemed to hate me, or they just didn’t like my presence, so they decided to send me to that place.
The entrance was on a door stuck to the ground, it seemed that it was common knowledge that that was where the punished children were going, I could not refuse to go, but I knew that place was a nightmare, or at least a game like that.
When I opened the door I appeared inside a maze, it didn’t look like that, but I knew it was; in this place groups of people (mostly teenagers) did something similar to betting to know who managed to win the first place, I wasn’t participating in this much less, my punishment was to experience the nightmare and find a way out before I get hurt or, apparently, even die.
The walls were made of what appeared to be raw flesh, had no blood but was damp and might even throb from time to time. I walked, I should be scared, maybe I was, but it was so strange, it was so hard for me to feel things, I just knew I wanted to get out of there.
I came across one person, but we didn’t talk much, a long black-haired girl, about my age; now I don’t understand why she was alone. After losing her, something started chasing me, I couldn’t see what it was, it was probably nothing, but I knew I had to run if I didn’t want anything to happen. I also met a group of several children, they were unpleasant, it seems they made fun of me at some point... They were trying to decipher a puzzle inside one of the walls, it was a little closed corner with fences, this wall that they were getting into was not made of meat, it was an ordinary gray wall.
Uh...? Now I’m inside the wall, here’s a little road, I knew it was made by a mouse, in the end, a piece of cheese, like those old games I played on my computer when I was a kid. I could do nothing but observe.
I’m in school, a number of things have already happened but I don’t remember what they were about, the atmosphere reminds me of another dream. We are not sitting or anything, we are not standing either, we are all existing in one place at the same time.
I see him, he looks sad, Did I approach or did he approach me? We were facing each other.
"What happened? Are you okay? Are you okay?" I’m talking to him, my voice doesn’t sound worried as it should, it’s so cold, I don’t want to sound selfless, are those not really my true feelings? I try, because I repeat the last question again and again, trying to sound as if I really care about his situation; he cries in my arms.
There could be many reasons, he had already cried in me before, it was normal for us to share our bad feelings, but I was tired, it would be that I didn’t really care anymore. Maybe he broke up with his girlfriend, I hoped not, I was reassured by her existence, so what? He was just babbling.
Being in a man’s arms can be so reassuring and frightening at the same time
I was with my cousins under the tree in my house, my older sister was trying to teach my second cousin to read..."What do you mean you’re going to teach her to read? She’s already big." I say, I was upset with the situation, I looked at my cousin, "You’re 12, aren’t you?" , she nodded, I complained again, increasingly angry. That’s where my aunt comes in. "Why are you angry? She can learn at any age she wants." My sister says something like that, too. Then my mom comes and takes my side, a 12-year-old girl should already know how to read, everything was wrong from the start.
I was on my computer doing something, It was very difficult, I’m sure it had something to do with coding because I vaguely remember looking for a position for a button, in short, I spent all day doing that until I realized it had become night. Outside I hear the main theme of the nutcracker, I look out the window of my room. I live near a fire station, behind the station, purple and blue lights were going up into the sky. It had been a long time since I had seen The Nutcracker, the last time I had seen it had been years ago, starring the original Be More Chill 2015 cast.
I got down the stairs as fast as I could, grabbed some stuff, my mask, and I got out. I was wearing short tights, the ones I used to wear in PE class, a T-shirt and two long coats on top of each other. I go out when I see my dad, he won’t let me go, I ask him, please, that I needed to go, it was something that was never going to be repeated. My cousin comes from that place just some seconds later and then my dad lets me go, without giving me a reason.
I went out and ran to the place. I approached, it was empty, I imagined that everyone was already inside. When I didn’t need so much to get to the place, the ground lit up at my feet, like a cartoon when a character is shown a love interest, in this case it was a "celebrity".
Shane Madej and Ryan Bergara were right at the entrance of where the play was taking place. I was so excited. I ran a bit to them, they only spoke some English, taking pictures, etc. In that, I saw that my aunt was near them. I approached completely and began to greet with a broken accent: "Hello, hi". I wanted to take a picture, I asked my aunt for the phone, but her granddaughter took it before me, so she would take the picture at the 3 of us. I was so happy, but something was wrong, the phone had too many cameras, so many different sizes and different locations on the phone. I tried but it didn’t work, before I could do anything, I woke up.
The year was almost over, several students were going to school as if the covid had never existed, at no time did I think about it and at no time was it mentioned. My classroom was on the second floor and I was now in the first, I didn’t really want to see my classmates, it was normal in my case after all, but from one moment to the next, In the distance, I saw how all my classmates were sitting in a 2 row in front of a man setting up a camera, they couldn’t be serious. I ran as fast as I could, surprising to be a dream, at least I was so close to not lose my composure, but the stairs beat me and there I began to shout: "Please, wait!" Pathetic.
I finally got up to the top, the stairs had been hell, anyway it didn’t matter much, my classmates wouldn’t take the trouble to have another photo just because a student without presence wanted to be in it. I didn’t care about them, I didn’t care about them at all, but I did care about my own memories, I wanted to have something that would allow me to remember what I had been doing those years I went to school. I just gave up.
We had not even entered the room when the English teacher began to distribute some work that we had done a long time ago, so much that I could not remember that it had been the subject of the work or with whom it had been done.
This classmate(A) was near me, I asked him what grade he had gotten... A good one, well, if he tried hard enough sometimes he could do well. I looked sideways, I couldn’t remember who I had been with. He said something to me, I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing, whatever it was, I looked ridiculous looking like something I wasn’t. He explained to me why I was wrong and he was right, his words sounded kind and innocent, but with every intention of hurting me once again. My stomach trembled, Would I feel like vomiting? I always felt like vomiting when I felt afraid. I walked away from him, I didn’t want to listen to him anymore.
That’s when I remembered I had friends, amazing. I looked them up and asked one of them first; there were several of them then there were two groups in which I could have been, I was too scared to ask who I had done the work with. " 5.0" He answered me, not what I expected, I wish I had not done the work with him, it sounded very bad but, I needed to have a better grade than (A), I needed to be better than him in any aspect, I would feel superior. I approached the rest of my friends, two girls I had been working with continuously in the last few days of school. " 7.0 and 5.0" What's with that? 7.0 or 5.0? Why was it so difficult to have a clear answer? I smiled as best I could and walked away, I’d be fooled enough to believe I had a 7.0, the highest grade.
I walked into the classroom and sat down at one of the desks, from here everything blurs, I just see myself and Ryan Akagi in what appears to be a restaurant. Ryan Akagi, Ryan Akagi? This would be so funny when I woke up, I had never seen a single episode of Infinity Train and now Ryan Akagi was in my dream, very funny. He called me tenderly, huh, weird. I got close enough to sit very close to him, kissed him and rested on his shoulder... I don’t want this to sound like a self-insert fanfic, although it certainly is what this part looks like.
At times like this I don’t know how to feel about my sensitivity in dreams, after all, when it comes to touch I can remember it perfectly. Her lips were very soft, too soft compared to how she thought a man’s lips would feel. Then I realized it was the first time I was kissing a cis man, why? When did it start? Not that I was complaining, after all he treated me so nice in the dream. We kissed several times, very soft like in the cheek, he smiled, so warm.
Where were we now? Something like a forest, it was full of garbage or, you might say, domestic objects in doubtful good condition that I wanted to take with me for the simple fact that they had no owner. Forests are common in my dreams, almost always at the end appear, an outcome. I looked around, the atmosphere was painted in a nice dark purple color. I saw a kitchen that I thought was nice, I went over to see it. My company had changed, who was it now? I couldn’t know for sure, although I would have liked to spend more time with Ryan before waking up; it could have been my mom, but I couldn’t make it clear, I wasn’t able to get to the kitchen and not even to turn around to find out who I was with.
Estaba en el colegio, era una atmosfera y espacio completamente diferente del que alguna vez recordaba. Estabamos y yo y mis compañeros sentados en una fila larga que rodeaba la cancha, asi y al parecer el resto del colegio también estaba allí, pero los demás se veían borrosos. Había algo particular que hacía una gran diferencia en las personas que me rodeaban, era un poco desagradable darme cuenta de que todas las personas que estaban junto a mi me había hecho sentir como una completa basura hace unos pocos meses atrás, eso era mala suerte, ah y, habían más compañeros mitad humanos mitad animal. La más cercana era una chica bajita y delgada que se sentaba por delante mía, era parlanchina, algo así parecido a una mean girl pero con una parte agradable genuina, era amiga de todos nosotros. No había pasado mucho tiempo, o así parecía, pero me encontraba a mí misma relacionandome cada vez más con esas personas con quienes no quería ni hablar.
Algo había pasado, algo importante. Era un recuerdo que comenzaba a ser olvidado lentamente, una situación peligrosa que podría ponernos a todos en peligro si no hacíamos algo pronto. Es una lástima que lo haya olvidado. Un profesor sabía de esto, de mí, quien solo debía de darle la información para alivianar un poco el resto de las cosas. Entre "clases" venía este maestro a pedirme la historia, yo se la daba, sí, se la di un par de veces de forma vaga porque ni yo era capaz de decir con palabras tan claras algo tan aterrador, había mucha sangre y muerte relacionada.
Cada vez que volvía este profesor su apariencia cambiaba un poco, en un principio se presentó con un pelo largo y negro, mucho más abajo de sus hombros. La vez siguiente se había amarrado el pelo, no le quedaba más. Después volvió con trenzas, no podría describirlas como tal, pero eran algo más que no podría descrbirir, algo parecido a los dreadlocks con el pelo suelto. La última vez los tenía amarrados en otra cola, se veía muy bien, además de que acentuaban sus facetas puntiagudas y algo pálidas. Le mencioné que me gustaba como se veía. Esa fue la única vez que me sonrío, "Gracias" me dijo.
La última vez me lo pidió de nuevo y yo ya comenzaba a cansarme; se lo iba a dar todo. Le pedí que me sacara de ese lugar porque no quería que nadie más escuchase, pero mis palabras se mezclaban con los gritos de cientos de otros alumnos que miraban algo en el centro de la cancha. El profesor me negó, yo le dije que debía de ser en otra parte, porque en serio que no quería que nadie más escuchara, mis compañeros hicieron pucheros y mi profesora jefe también, quien no me había dado cuenta estaba ahi, me miró a travez de un kaleidoscopio: "No te preocupes, si te escucho no entenderé todo lo que vas a decir", eso no me generó ni una pizca de confianza. Suspiré y me di por vencida, iba a hablar cuando los gritos se volvieron insoportables y por fin miré hacia donde todos se encontraban mirando: Una de las chicas que era parte conejo le estaba dando un ataque justo en el centro de la cancha. Me aterré, pero algo parecido a lo que les pasa a los protagonistas de shonen se apoderó de mí y corrí rápidamente hacia su cuerpo.
La tomé como una princesa, romántico (lol), pero fue algo raro, yo solo le sostenía las piernas, alguien más le estaba tomando de la abeza, aunque no logré ver bien de quien se trataba; a los pocos minutos recobró la consciencia. Fue un poco agresiva con sus palabras, pero me dijo gracias y se levantó con pocas fuerzas para volver con sus amigas, todas se veían muy parecidas, entremedio se encontraba la niña que se sentaba delante mía. Volví a mi lugar y el profesor se había ido, ya estaba siendo hora de que todos volvieramos a casa; era una lástima, sabía que significaba mucho de mi parte el contarle lo que sabía, pero el tiempo ya se había acabado. Mi ex (que era uno de los que se sentaba a mi lado) me dijo que quería ir con él a su casa, yo acepté por alguna razón, algo que no haría en la vida real pero que en mis sueños es algo bastante repetido, como si tuviera la esperanza de que me trataría de una forma diferente. Ya estabamos yendo por el pasillo hasta la salida cuando recordé que había olvidado mis zapatos (llevaba otro en ese momento), le dije que me esperara un poco y corrí de vuelta. Ahí encontré a otro amiga, que hacía un tiempo se me había confesado y ahora era feliz con una nueva pareja, me había simpatizado en su momento, ahora por alguna razón le guardaba rencor y él me trataba de una forma que no podría describir como agradable. Él también había olvidado sus zapatos. Nos sonreímos mutuamente y nos fuimos cada uno por nuestro lado, eso había sido desagradable.
Lo primero que hicimos fue ir al baño, fue un poco raro, era un lugar pequeño y oscuro, solo había un retrete, un lavamanos y una tina, no sabía cómo es que todo eso había caido en un lugar tan pequeño. Decidimos en que yo usaría el retrete y él la tina. Orinamos.
Cuando salimos recordé que tenía que avisar a mi mamá que me quedaría un rato con alguien antes de volver a casa, no podía decirle que me estaba yendo con él porque me interrogaría o en primer lugar ni siquiera me daría lo opción de ir; nos habían pasado cosas malas antes. No podía decirle, entonces decidí mentir. La llamé y me respondió enojada, que porqué me estaba demorando tanto, le dije que me iría a la casa de una amiga (irl) y que iría un poco más tarde a casa. Ella de inmediato cambió su tono a algo más agradable, podía sentirla sonreír del otro lado de la línea. Me dijo que estaba bien, que me iría a recoger a las 5:55 PM. Quería negarme y decirle que podía irme sola, pero me cortó antes de que siquiera dijera algo, suspiré.
No le dije nada a él sobre la llamada por los primeros minutos antes de llegar a su casa. La casa de este tipo estaba en una montaña, no recodaba que fuese así, por lo menos ahora estaba más cerca del colegio y así no sería tan difícil volver rápidamente y llegar a la casa de esta amiga que había usado de excusa para que mi mamá no me descubriera.
A mitad de camino me di cuenta de que una de sus amigas venía detrás de nosotros, realmente me desagradaba, entre ella y la otra, esta era la más desagradable de las dos. De vez en cuando intercambiaban palabras, yo solo estaba en silencio, no quería relacionarme con una persona que me había humillado tanto en el pasado. A veces cuando ellos dejaban de hablar intentaba hablarle a mi ex, al principio era entretenido, pero mientras más hablabamos me daba cuenta de que la forma en la que me trataba no era linda, se burló de mí varías veces. Creí que al llegar a su casa se calmaría y podríamos ser más agradables.
En el camino él se encontró un celular antiguo, bromeó con su amiga si deberían quedarselo, pero yo lo tomé porque era muy similar al mio. Entré a los contactos y leí el nombre de mi mamá varias veces, nah, seguro era mucha coincidencia, seguí leyendo por unos minutos y encontré el nombre de mi hermana y de mi primo, okey, eso ya no podía ser coincidencia, ese era definitivamente el celular de mi papá.
No podía ser verdad, era un milagro que lo hubiese encontrado tan lejos de mi casa, pero debía encontrar una excusa para decirle que lo habí encontrado, porque él sabría el lugar en donde lo había perdido seguramente, ¿Y qué hacía mi papá ahí de todas formas? No se me ocurría ninguna excusa, empecé a sentir miedo, ellos no podían saber que estaba ahí, además con él. Guardé el celular en mi bolsillo, sería mejor olvidarlo, después se me ocurriría algo, ahora quería pensar lo mejor para hacer de esto algo más feliz, lo único que estaba sintiendo era miedo y tristeza, no quería que se pusiera peor.
Seguimos subiendo, los minutos se hicieron silenciosos y lentos, parecía que nunca ibamos a llegar. Aproveché ese tiempo para contarle a mi ex sobre la llamada que había tenido con mi mamá, estaba planeando irme de ahí a las 5:10 PM para alcanzar a llegar a la casa de mi compañera y contarle a ella lo que había pasado, era un plan perfecto y estaba orgullosa de ello, pero él me miró un poco triste, dandome a entender que no quería que me fuera tan pronto, me incomodó.
En ese momento escuchamos un auto subiendo por la montaña, ni siquiera nos dio tiempo para hacernos a un lado, había chocado sobre nuestras cabezas, enterrando casi toda la parte delantera del auto en la montaña. Eran algunos personajes de South Park. Uno de los niños, Tweek, se deslizó hasta atrás y cayó haciendo un hoyo en el suelo del auto, Cartman y Craig se bajaron posteriormente para ponerse a su lado y comenzar a patearlo.
Someone had organized something like a Halloween party, there was nothing special to distinguish it from it, to be fair, but it was something we all knew. There were several members of my family and classmates, it didn’t make any sense at all, just like the space, which was changing, the first floor was something like a yard and the second floor was supported by four pillars that replaced the walls.
My brother had confessed to someone on the first floor, a boy my age, older than him, but he hadn’t responded and didn’t look at him in the eye, he ignored my brother with a certain disgust in his face. I wanted to relieve my brother of that rejection, I tried to tell him how something similar had happened to me with a girl...Girl? Why did I say girl? It had been an anecdote that had happened to me with one of my boy classmates; supposedly I liked him and I managed to start talking to him, but the more I knew him the less I wanted to talk to him and he ended up liking me... I realized that my story was nothing like my brother’s.
I left, somewhat uncomfortable, to the second floor, where I saw my mom with other women I knew, the others were young, I could say they were my cousins, but they didn’t look familiar, strangers, smiled at me.
We were at home with my family, it was normal, it was supposed to, besides the fact that my sister had already had her baby. So soon? It couldn’t be, it had only been a few months, it didn’t make any sense that she was taking care of them at the house, I knew that premature babies had to stay in the hospital or something like that to, at least, survive.
These babies, I could hardly call them that; one, although it had all the characteristics of a baby several months after birth, was the size of a hand and its skin looked like it was made of rubber. The second was the worst, it was barely larger than the size of a finger, its skin was greyish brown and very wrinkled, it had its eyes badly shaped and a mouth that occupied almost half of its head, inside it a few elongated and almost sharp teeth peering out; my sister treated him less carefully than the other, even though I knew that she loved him, I could tell the difference.
"And this one?" I asked, now that I thought about it, we never got the news that there would be two babies and I didn’t have any memory of the birth either. " I don’t know," The only thing she answered.
It seemed that I was on a school trip with my classmates. I doubt that it was anything else because we had gone to my grandmother’s old house and I would never invite them or talk to them about that place. On the field we played and talked, just doing fun things. We walked far enough to reach a empty farmyard, climbed over the fence and play for a while longer.
A classmate starts speaking something and I pay more attention than ever, we couldn’t do that, it was dangerous. He had released some plagues, I didn’t understand why he did that, but I didn’t even stop to think and I ran. I was the first to move and jump over the fences to face the other side, full of trees towards the foot of a mountain, where I could hang myself. Silverfish multiplied at the feet of all of us and they reached to touch my legs before I managed to jump. I grabbed a branch and it balanced me by the void.
Several classmates followed me, I believe because they know I’m the only one who knows the place well, but in reality I don’t. I had lost myself in this forest before, it was giant, but I tried not to show my nervousness, I looked down: I could not throw myself until I recognized somewhere, otherwise I would lose us all and it would be hell to try to find a way out with them. A few seconds passed and there it was, houses began to appear, the same houses that were at the entrance of the place where my grandmother lived. I jumped when we were close enough.
The place was closed with walls and when we were close enough we could see that everything was on fire. "What happened to the sky?" I said, but I didn’t know myself what I meant, the sky was color orange. I ran to my grandmother’s house, which, to get to it, we had to go through an alley to another wall that finally contained her house. Before entering there was a chair that had an old book on it, a book that had belonged to me years ago and I had left there almost to forget; I took it and we entered.
The first thing I saw was a huge house, to the left of the place, white because of the volcanita, that house wasn’t there before... Behind it, my grandmother’s house, also unrecognizable by the white color and a new construction that my uncle had made. On the right, all my family sat at a long table, eating like it was a birthday. Why weren’t they worried? They had attacked the town and lost their houses, they were like nothing happened, I couldn’t understand. Several of my classmates sat at the table and began to eat, they did not feel the loss, obviously, but I could not understand why my family did not care.
This person was looking for me. They asked me if I wanted to be part of their project to create an FNF mod about Pico. Why about Pico if there are so many of him? It wasn’t like I disliked Pico or anything, in fact it was one of the characters I liked the most but I didn’t feel like participating in something like that.