Yesterday I went to a friend's house, I've never been in his house before, we watched Loki with some other friends. I took the bus with my friend, it wasn't scary at all. My mom and sister talked to me this morning when I was so afraid to go out and cried to them out of fear, it's kind of sad, I don't want to be like this, that fear almost didn't let me see my own friends. I feel sick right now, just a little, I was afraid too because my parents weren't there to go for me at night, they called a friend to pick me up because my mom was afraid of me going on the bus in the darkness, being out it's scary, I forget that almost all the time.
Ahm, well, I've been looking around the pages and everthing looks so awful, I hate everything aaaa, I'll try to change everything I can because is too much, it just looks so bad mgmhggg. I played an awfull lot today, I killed the enderdragon (my friends were going to kill her but I just had the luck the give the last punch :'D) and my friend just went to sleep, we were playing roblox, it was really fun. I haven't started Shaoran's present, I hope I can plan it fast this day and finish it before his bday ends, I always do this ;; I'm not good with dates (but I remembered this one the whole week) dates??? I'm too lazy to look it up TT english it's weird.
PD: I FORGOT TO SAY, I FUCKING HATE THE INDEX NOW, WITH ALL MY HEART, that's it.
Woah... it's been a while, I've been feeling like shit this last month it's insane, but I hope I get better soon, I'm trying new things, I guess, taking breaks, but this one was kinda long, way too long, my creativity has been dying slowly, I want to change the index a little so it looks more like the home page, I love pink. I got a new TV last week, and I can finally use it, my desk it's still a mess because i had it there until we could put it on the wall, so yeah, now I'm on my bed, and I'm gonna try to plan the page I was doing before I left, because it's a whole mess ^^; Yesterday I went to a friend's house, they invited me again this next wednesday, I'm happy, but really scared, I don't know how to call this since I haven't went to a doctor to get a description or something, at least my mom tried to calm me down on the car, last time I cied out of fear so it makes sense she helped before it happended lol but aside that, oh... I need to do the sketchbook page too, I don't really like how the gallery looks... but I'm too lazy to change it TT
My body is sick lol It's only been 3 days but it feels like forever, I wish I can get some motivation at the end of this week. I put my body trough a lot of stress yesterday so yeah, now I´m sick or something like that, walking is really hard and moving my arms too, maybe it's something psychological as well, it's not that it's EXTREMELY painful, but it's enough pain to me to feel like I want to sleep all day. My mom gave me pills, blue, cute pills, I have to take them rn so Imma do that. I'm watching Kimetsu no yaiba with her in spanish and WAAA IT'S LIKE A DREAM, URAZ HUERTA VOICING INOSUKE??? I'm not a fan of Uraz Huerta himself because I don't follow his work really but he voiced Shaoran in the 90's how am I not gonna be excited to see him in a big anime like KNY in 2021, it makes me so happy, just thinking about it makes me smile. Oh, yesterday happend Danganronpa Decadence? That was really something, Twogami is my favorite Danganronpa chara so I wanted to make fanart of them in a swimsuit YA QUE NO LE MOSTRARON, que desilusión, I really want some new content of them, and that's all really, I don't wanna go to school this week, its Wednesday but I'm so tired already
I'm at home now, I went to the capital to see my family, it was nice, but it's weird leaving the house for so many days (We were going for just a day, so I didn't have enough clothes). I'm really sensitive too this days, this months I've been feeling like I'm not enough for everyone, even myself.... Uhm, it's weird, I'm not loved am I? I don't really get why people say I'm special, a genius, that they love so much when there are days when I just want to cry. I cried in someonelses house, it was too much for me, this time I knew why I felt like that uh, some years ago my dad left and I cried to him to not leave, I think I even grabbed his clothes and crawled so he wouldn’t leave me, it was traumatazing indeed but I wouldn't thought that it affected me so much, I just refuse something to him and he was hurt, when I hurt they get angry, so it brought back some memories and I cried to sleep lol. But I want to be loved, I don't know if I can love properly myself, I hope so, I want people to feel that I love them, but sometimes I'm afraid I don't love them enough.
If I'm useful them I can be loved, but when I'm not, when the simplest thing it's hard to me I get called useless, even in my face, get called useless by my own sister; she must be right tho, she knows me since I was born, she must have reasons to make me feel bad about myself, so I can't blame her on hating that side of me.
My mom said people were going to be mad at me, all the time when I grew up, that I had to be strong, that I couldn't cry, but this time I could do so, I cried to her meanwhile my sister laughed a little, at least she said that sometimes my dad was going to be like that, she has cried because of him, everyone in this house I believe.
(7:36PM) Saw some Markiplier vids, now I'm better:3
Last night I had a dream where I copied someone's code for my page (I looked at a really cool page just before going to sleep), and I felt so bad because I was too lazy to code myself, but at the same time I was like... why am I doing this? I don't need it. It was as interesting to put it on the dream log so here
I did take my computer with me and tried to re-do the log/blog page because I didn't like the other one. There's still a lot of things I want to do but my brain isn't allowing me to do anything, I want to cry all day, it's probably hormones but I hate feeling like this, like all and nothing at the same time, I can't even draw and thats terrifying, I want it to stop completely. I changed the bgm in this html from yume nikki to omori and I prefer this one, omori didn't affect me as much as I tought it would but there's still fear within my body for just hearing some of the soundtrack or remembering one scene in particular (The only scene that made me cry) and I personally think that's kind of cool, I like remembering.
I also noticed that I'm probably going to do a back-up of the page, I should have done it before but I just remembered my constant fear of the internet (or just neocities idk) dissappearing or me myself erasing something by accident ^^; Also I would like to move to my own web server (or my dad's, he offered me the idea when I showed the page to him and my mom... Yes, I was so happy that I actually showed them the page), end it with .cl OMG that would be cool as fuck, viva el mejor país de chile.
I've been thinking about how much I hate this dude......
Yesterday it wasn't as bad as I tought, school was even kind of fun fun. I saw 3 of my friends, one hugged me when we said goodbye. It's been so long since someone who isn't family hugged me... Today my dad hugged me too, and I remembered today's dream, he was forcing me to do something in the dream I don't feel comfortable enough to even say what happened in the dream, was more of a nightmare itself. Tonight me and my family are going to another place to pass the weekend, I would love to bring my computer but the internet is almost non-existent there.
Decided I would do this part in english too, I'm not so sure if I'm ready to share this things with the people I know. I tried to draw, happy pride! I'm still burried into the closet but I guess the internet it's my safe space. Tomorrow I'm going to school... I'm terrified, not gonna lie there, I hope my body won't react to this, I hate when I get this anxious and I get tired and feel like vomiting, it gets cold and shaky, so yeah, not a cool reaction. I don't wanna skip class neither, I'm going because a friend told me to so we could see eachother... I don't wanna be bad, but I feel better knowing it will just be 6 hours and not 8 like they used to be.
Hace una semana creo que empecé esto de la página, la razón era poner todo lo que pudiese poner, me gusta recolectar información de muchas partes y guardarmelas y eso es divertido, aunque todavía no llego a eso me gustaría poder tenerlo. Últimamente no me he estado sintiendo bien con mis dibujos, no es que no me gusten, de hecho me gustan más que antes pero ver que los números bajan me agota, esto me ha distraido bastante, es divertido y me hace olvidar eso. Me digo que no importan, siempre hay gente que me apoya, aunque sean menos de 100, pero no parece ser suficiente.